I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
