I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
