ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
sarcasm needs its own font
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
