The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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