hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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