Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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