Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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