hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
