Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
