We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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