I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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