my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
