textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
so much tequila, so little girl.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
