I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize