So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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