My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
