Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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