If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
