I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
