FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he thought i was a dude.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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