Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Randomize
