just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
