I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
