im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
