Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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