you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
