Soap is not a condiment
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
