Christians are straight up FREAKS
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
