He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Actions speak louder than pants.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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