When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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