tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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