She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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