I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize
