You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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