Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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