My hand turned me down
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
