and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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