i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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