I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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