Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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