Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
