A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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