i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
