i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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