i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
