its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize