god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
