and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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