I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
