if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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