sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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