i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
