Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
