If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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