I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
