Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
