i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
