I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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