my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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