We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
